I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
