Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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