Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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