i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
