If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
