Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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