i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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