dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
