my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
