it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
