Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
