If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
