You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
