oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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