So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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