Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
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But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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