I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
