I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
