My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
