he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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