I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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