there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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