i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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