I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
