i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
