Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
