I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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