I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
