just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
