On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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