I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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