I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
