Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
