I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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