You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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