I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
