Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
