I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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