All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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