you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
