never play flip cup with pint glasses
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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