I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
