Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
