I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
