discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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