I puked a lego.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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