If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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