Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
