OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
