All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
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Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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I just need some of your time and all of your body.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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