a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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