So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
