No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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