made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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