yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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