Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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