I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
