Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
