I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
