even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
