yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
