She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
