Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
